


Torn Seams

by J_E_McCormick



Series: His Thoughts, Spattered On Loose-Leaf Paper [8]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Combeferre and Courfeyrac are briefly mentioned, Other, TW: Self Harm, either of them, this might be pre-relationship idk, tw: suicide ideation, very very very obscure and not at all explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-20
Updated: 2013-10-20
Packaged: 2017-12-29 21:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1010563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_E_McCormick/pseuds/J_E_McCormick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn’t feel as good as he’d somehow imagined it. Somewhere in the long months of abstinence he’s invented some beautiful flood of relief, some feeling of calm, some positive outcome.</p><p>It doesn’t come and he just feels ashamed and upset and angry and in pain.</p><p>It stings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torn Seams

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when I said I didn't relapse  
> Those were the days.
> 
> This one is really raw. I've literally just typed it out and it may or may not make sense but hey. My English Lit. teacher said I should write a diary of how I feel whenever I have bad turns, and since that's what this series kind-of is... you get this.
> 
> Two updates in a matter of hours. Aren't you lucky. Enjoy it.

Jehan sits, shaking, staring down at his wrist with silent tears falling.

It doesn’t feel as good as he’d somehow imagined it. Somewhere in the long months of abstinence he’s invented some beautiful flood of relief, some feeling of calm, some positive outcome.

It doesn’t come and he just feels ashamed and upset and angry and in pain.

It stings.

He doesn’t want to disturb the wounds so he keeps his wrist tilted upwards, resting on his knee, unmoving while he gives the torn skin a chance to start repairing itself.

He feels vaguely disappointed in himself. _You should have been stronger. You should have resisted. You went so long. You got so far. You failed._

He’s afraid that he’s going to anger Courfeyrac. _What happened to justify this? Nothing, nothing. It was a selfish impulse. You upset him and so you hurt yourself. Disgusting._

Mostly he doesn’t feel all that much of anything. _Back to Day 1. Really, what a shame. You’d done so well._

_It’s going to be a pain to cover up._

_It’s going to hurt if you stretch or bend your wrist too much._

_The scabs are going to be a pain._

_Do you have excuses?_

_Are you going to tell anyone? Really, they deserve to know. Didn’t Combeferre say, “If you need help, please feel free to come and talk to me.”_

_Didn’t he also say “I’m so proud of you for not relapsing. That’s very good. You’re very strong” last time as well?_

_He’ll be disappointed in you too._

_You have to tell Courfeyrac. You have to, you promised him._

_But that’s selfish. That makes you look attention-seeking. Look at attention-seeking Jehan, weak Jehan, cry-baby Jehan, overreacting over something stupid. Did you hurt yourself, Jehan? Why, Jehan, would you do that? How stupid of you. How weak of you._

_You just want attention and sympathy. You want to make it about you. Don’t you, Jehan? Oh, poor Jehan, look, he made a mistake and he upset someone, so he got himself worked up and hurt himself. Poor little baby Jehan._

_Useless._

_Weak._

_Pathetic._

_Fuck up._

_Stupid._

_Stop it. Look at you. What are you doing? Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic._

It doesn’t stop.

 _You want to do it again? But look, you just did it; did it help? No it didn’t, stupid boy._ _Stop feeling sorry for yourself._

He doesn’t want to do this anymore. Why is this happening to him? Why is this so hard? Why is he addicted to pain, why should he want to punish himself?

_You have it so good. You have no right. You have no right to do this to yourself. Look at the people around you. Don’t they have reasons? Their sadness is justified, but you, no, you’re just sad. You’re just so needy and spoilt and greedy and you’re sad._

_And you hurt yourself._

_Why do you do that? You don’t have justification. You don’t deserve it really, do you? Well, maybe you do._

He wants it to stop.

_Maybe you should make it stop. Permanently._

No. No he won’t do that. No, he doesn’t want to do that.

He’ll sleep.

He’ll go to sleep and his wrist will sting when his pyjamas and bedclothes touch it and he’ll stare at the marks for a while and hate himself. He’ll worry that someone will see them if they wake him up in the morning. He’ll worry about hiding them for the next week or so. He’ll scold himself for not thinking of these consequences beforehand. He’ll tell himself he’ll talk to other people, and then he’ll back up when he actually tries.

For now, he’ll sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Today Jehan gets no comfort because neither do I.


End file.
